The Things I Thought Were Wrong With Me

I realized I’ve never really told you why I do this work.

So, let me reintroduce myself.

I’m Jessica. I hold a Master’s degree in Ayurveda and Integrative Medicine, and I’m a certified somatic coach through the Focalizing Institute.

But my path into this work didn't start with Ayurveda.

For more than a decade, I worked in mental health rehabilitation, directing a program that supported people with disabilities and severe and persistent mental health diagnoses.

My work went Far beyond managing their symptoms.

I helped people develop life skills, work on behavior change, build independence, reconnect with others, discover purpose (a game changer), and find meaningful ways to participate in their communities.

That experience shaped the way I understand healing.

People are whole people.

Our physical health, emotional experiences, behaviors, relationships, environment, sense of purpose, and connection to community don't exist in separate boxes.

I then went on to study Ayurveda alongside Western medical science, training with both Ayurvedic physicians and Western medical doctors and gaining extensive clinical experience in Ayurvedic practices and protocols.

But my interest in this work isn't just academic. I was seeking a holistic framework to help explain what I was going through and what I was experiencing with my clients.

Ayurveda and somatics gave language to all of me—the physical, emotional, mental, and everything in between.

In my late 20s to early 30s, my body started changing in ways I didn't understand.

Cystic acne.
Irregular cycles.
Intense cravings.
Mood swings.
Anxiety.
Insomnia.
Digestive problems.
Skin inflammation.
Irregular periods.

I was eventually diagnosed with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS), now known as polyendocrine metabolic ovarian syndrome.

The conventional options I was given were birth control and spironolactone. I tried those, along with diets, supplements, allergy testing, gut testing, skincare, herbs, and increasingly restrictive and disordered ways of eating. I spent thousands of dollars.

And the strangest part?

I was doing everything I thought was healthy.

Lots of fresh salads.
Green juices.
Kombucha.
Gluten-free, etc.

Yet I was increasingly bloated, inflamed, uncomfortable, and disconnected from my body.

I was trying harder and feeling worse.

That was the beginning of my deeper exploration of Ayurveda, as I had been interested in living according to the seasons and understanding my body in a different way.

For the first time, I had a framework that helped me look at my body as a whole, not just at individual symptoms.

I began paying attention to digestion, nourishment, blood sugar, sleep, stress, daily rhythms, and my individual mind-body patterns.

I learned that sometimes what is considered “healthy” in general isn't necessarily supportive for your body.

For me, nourishing instead of restricting, supporting my digestion, stabilizing my blood sugar, improving my sleep, setting boundaries, and addressing chronic stress changed the way I felt in my body.

And perhaps most importantly, I learned how to recognize my own patterns.

I knew what my body was telling me when I was becoming inflamed.

I knew what supported me when my digestion slowed down.

I knew when I was pushing too hard.

I learned how to respond rather than constantly react.

But that wasn't the end of the story.

Because the deeper I went, the more I realized that healing wasn't just about what I was doing.

It was also about what I had learned to believe about myself.

I've had to unlearn being submissive and learn how to be assertive.

I've had to unlearn that feeling awkward meant something was wrong with me and begin to see that maybe I'm simply unique.

I've had to stop shaming myself for being sensitive and learn to appreciate that sensitivity can also be a way of perceiving the world deeply.

I've had to separate myself from shame that belonged to things my family experienced, not things I had done, but that I still carried.

I've had to forgive people who didn't know how to help me—and myself for holding on to relationships that asked me to be less of who I was.

And I've had to learn that forgiveness doesn't mean pretending something didn't hurt.

Sometimes it means finally allowing yourself to acknowledge that it did.

I've had to learn how to fully feel grief instead of immediately trying to escape it.

To stop listening to the familiar “You're prettier when you smile” when what I actually needed was permission to feel what I was feeling.

Because feelings that are continually pushed down don't simply disappear.

They get carried.

And sometimes healing means being brave enough to peel back another layer of the onion.

And yes, sometimes it gets a little smelly.

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There are things underneath that aren't particularly pretty.

Grief.

Anger.

Fear.

Shame.

Old beliefs.

Old ways of protecting ourselves.

But I don't think we're meant to spend our whole lives keeping those layers tightly wrapped around us just so no one else has to smell them.

It takes bravery to peel them away.

To be seen.

To not immediately make yourself palatable.

To not push through simply because something is hard.

To sit with yourself long enough to discover what is actually there.

And that, to me, is where Ayurveda and somatic work meet in such a beautiful way.

We listen.

We notice.

We become curious.

We learn the patterns of our bodies instead of fighting them.

We begin to understand what belongs to us and what we've been carrying that doesn't.

We learn that taking care of ourselves isn't selfish.

That boundaries aren't rejection.

That sensitivity isn't weakness.

That slowing down isn't failure.

And that feeling something deeply doesn't mean we're falling apart.

It can mean we're finally letting ourselves be present for our own lives.

I think that's ultimately why I do this work.

Yes, I want to help people feel better in their bodies.

I want to help women understand their digestion, stress, nervous systems, hormonal transitions, and the patterns that influence how they feel.

But I also want something bigger than that.

I want people to feel alive.

And I've realized that maybe I wasn't made simply to help people.

I was made to feel alive—and to help people on my way there.

I'm still learning.

Still unlearning.

Still peeling back layers.

And I think that's the point.

Because maybe becoming more ourselves isn't something we ever finish.

In a world that can be so confusing and divided, I’m realizing that becoming myself has less to do with finding someone new and more to do with uncovering the person I’ve always been beneath everything I was taught to be.

Leading a FREE in-person workshop on October 11, 10-11:30 pm., if you’re in the area. RSVP HERE.